‘First’

Sometimes I feel like

I’m holding my breath,

hoping that life will

change for the better

rather than

the worst.

that I deserved

more then

empty promises,

lying “pacifists”,

and people

who like to believe

that it is okay

for knives

to be drawn

behind backs.

I came unprepared

to a fight

I had thought

wasn’t on the agenda

slapped

across the face

like some abusive lover

I just wanted a desk job

I’d stay at for

8 plus years

without a whisper

of deceit

from those snakes

in the grass

that like to kick

and kiss ass

to get closer to

the top ranks.

well, fucking thanks.

you did well

put me through

a great deal of hell

and I’m still here

wondering

why.

my things in a box

whilst they change

the locks

as you smile

your eyes show

what you gained

what I lost

so, perhaps

I’ll just smile

pulling out

every sharp

tooth, nail, needle.

I’m used too it, dear.

so, don’t think

you’re the first.

‘Vegetable’

I fought the

demons

in my head

by

letting them

have what they

wanted.

one stick

of the needle,

one drop of blood

on the lens.

they discover

I’m a case

so now,

I’m a guinea pig

to them.

shock to the

system

one notch

at a time

they never ever

listen

even when I say

I’m all right.

Muzzle on mouth,

stitches in my wrists,

they whisper,

“don’t you worry,”

than

seal it with a

poison kiss.

I don’t need

prescriptions

I just need to talk

but no one ever

comes too the table

so I might be able

but now

I’m a vegetable

and they like

me better

shut

up.

‘Holiday’

I’ve lost it.

The amount of

caring

it would

take

to

protect

the lives

of those

who answer

to

‘loved one’

How

insensitive

I must seem

if I carry

no depth

of compassion

for

blood-relations

that ran too

deep

they

caused

a

scar.

I’ve spilt

too

much.

They’ve

carved

too

little

into a

history

that

withstands

even

my own life.

and for what?

to prove a point

that

these lives

we

call

faulty,

the

blame

is

on

us.

So,

beloved

let me go

and live

whatever it is

you wish

life

to

be.

we’ll part ways

than meet

around

the holiday

like amicable

strangers.

‘Chipped’

Pale blue paint

Chipping from wear

The smell of antiseptic

Cleaning what’s left

of urgent care

Lights as white

As tunnels

full of

endless light

I won’t run

toward the end

I’ll turn back

and fight.

Inside their eyes

I’m just a spec

of dust

that irritates

and floats around

like

particles

from a

great

wind gust.

“Listen to your

heart,”

they said

well, I’ve heard

its call

and often fall

bluntly

on my head.

I care too much

and so

I stall

the process

of moving on

from

all

this

pain

‘Nil’

How many pills

will it take?

to keep me from

breaking open

this time.

I’ve lost

my mind

again.

Hidden

under the bed,

waiting for footsteps

to come

where I am.

As I shake

part of me

takes

whatever

strength

I have left.

I guess

I am nothing

but a mule to my family.

I carry their burdens

and

material collections

until I am shattered

and broke

for always.

This

pile

of

stuff

that

never

amounts.

I

was

born

to

be

nil

for

this

life.

‘Rose’

Moving

boxes

back and forth

too corners  centers, closets.

What’s inside

I’ve yet to learn

but I bet it really

cost them.

All the secrets

stashed

in

walls.

Little lies

whispered

in

the

halls.

I’ve grown

so

tired

of

getting calls

and

packing up

because

you’ve

lost it

all.

Fetch

the cutter,

this one’s

taped

shut

better

put

her

far up

in the attic

away from static

keep

her

in

this

rut.

wires never

talk to liars

only roses

for the briars.

thorns

is all

I’ve yet

to hold.

It’s all

I deserve.

They

told

me

so.

‘Heart’

I wish I could

see with your eyes

then I’d know

what you see

when you look

back into mine

and perhaps

the thoughts in

your head

would become like

a spindle

with thread

I’m pulling

the truth

right through

the eye of

the needle.

most days you

tell me

I’m

‘getting better’

and I nod

silently

like the drift

of a feather

falling

to

a

place

I’ve yet to venture

“unless there’s

something

you’re not

telling

so

I

don’t

know”

I’d tell you

but

than

I could never

see

you

again

and to end

something

because of

the heart

in my chest

is foolish.

I’ll think

with

my

head

instead.

‘Light’

Today the sun shone

through the windows

brighter than a

hallway lit by

fluorescent light.

I followed surely,

listened closely,

breathing slowly,

the air between

despair and hope.

Sometimes,

the hopeless

are the most

hopeful.

Often disguised by

‘blue eyes’

that were never

quite that color.

They see

the scathed

clearly.

Diluted by

shadow and sun.

I know

exactly

what

you’re

feeling.

‘Slip’

Listening to her husky voice

singing against the

backdrop of my thoughts

like a penny

tossed into

a wishing well.

She lends her shoulder

to my heavy head

too full of things

I should not be thinking.

She says:

There’s a time for every season

and a cut for every time I tried

to reason with

myself

and she talks about

a garden

somewhere

that cures

illness

like

vicious plague and

simple cough.

I listen very carefully

as if her words

were rhymes.

Maybe Basil

and Clary Sage

will help to ease

the sadness off

this time.

as if it were

a dress I wore.

Sorry

must’ve

slipped…

‘Prayer’

Dear God,

up in the sky

if there is one

watching from heaven,

please,

do not let the silence

swallow me whole.

I swear the words

and thoughts

betray me more

than devils

with

the faces of

angels

living

in this

hell

on earth.

your clouds were

meant for

my pillow

when

I sleep

but your herald

never comes

to find my name

in

your

book

of

life.

I drown

in this rain

I weep.

So, let this silence

no more be silent

or give

me

the strength

to fight.

Amen.